The one that has no name

     Sometimes I wonder, where did I go?  What happened to me?  I use to be so incontrol of everything, felt like I always had my shit together.  I was confident, secure, safe, stable, reliable, reasonable, manageable, intelligent, and so many more things!!  I feel like I have lost them all.

Confidence - ha, thats a joke - I'm a Mom.  I 2nd guess everything I do, say, how I act, what I think - because I worry about how it will affect my kids now -- and later.  People judge and say things and so again, the 2nd guessing starts and I wonder what I'm doing and if I'm even doing it right.

In-control - of my bladder (most of the time that is!) thats about freakin it!  My house is a wild play ground that I feel is falling down around me.  I'm not even in control of WHEN I can use the bathroom, when I can do household chores - it's all on someone else's watch.

secure/stable - I didn't worry about the petty crap - it wasnt important.  So what if I totally drained the bank account?  There would be more money on payday right?  Not anymore.  6 kids - bank is usually empty and when that happens a crisis usually hits and I freak out!

reasonable - I'm way past reasonable.  I hate having to listen to other people and making my kids and me avaliable for whatever whenever because thats what "good moms do" - I get tired of hearing that statement!!  Who the hell dictated you "master of the moms"?

manageable - manage what?  This place is a zoo!  about the time I think I have shit under control something happens and all hell breaks lose!  I'm left standing there scratching my head trying to catch on to what latest and craziest thing has kicked off in my living room.

Where we struggle.

      Things have been super crazy, haha does this sound any different than usual? This post is going to be pretty plain and to the point.
      I had to suck it up a few weeks ago and go apply for Texas medicaid and food stamps since we got the 2 teenagers. They are eating me out of house and home. I spend upwards of $1,000 or more dollars on groceries a month and that doesn't touch the "family products" we need. I bought bare minimals tonight between Sam's and Walmart. Dog food, cat food, razors,bath soap, tooth paste, dryer sheets, laundry detergent and spent right at $168.00!  Our water bill this month is $346.00 we used over 18,000 gallons of water - we had a cracked faucet and didn't realize it - at least we are hoping that was the problem ?!?!  We aren't totally sure.  It wasn't that freakin high when we filled the pool up over the summer!!  I thought I had longer to pay out "The Oldest" drivers ed program (hell I also thought his sperm donor would be contributing more to the cause too!) and come to find out - I have to have it paid in full by Oct 24th which is the week after "Leggs" has his foot reconstruction surgery.  Shit fuzzy.
      "Babe" twisted off the other night and had decided that maybe we/he couldn't do this, that the working 2 jobs and never getting to enjoy life was just more than he could handle.  Then once we talked about it things seemed to be okay for him - then it flipped and hit me last night and he had to return the favor and talk me through it.


      I know that we are going to make it, we always do.  We are good people and good things happens to those who wait.  "Babe" reminded me that we would be rolling in the blessings when our children (all 6) got out on their own and we got to see first hand what we had done :) it would show us what all our hard work, sacrifices and efforts went towards -- and he was right!  We have to keep up with each other, and make sure we are both getting through this.  We really had no idea what we were doing when we took in 2 teenagers from broken lives/homes...but we are doing the best we can to make things work and get from today until tonight.